Between Fear and Courage

Am I brave enough? If someone were to ask me, what would I say?

I’m what you’d call a "Jjolbo"—a Korean slang word for someone who’s cautious, even a bit of a worrier. I worry about small things and find myself imagining endless "what ifs." Walking down the street, I think, What if that car swerves and hits me? I imagine rare accidents and worst-case scenarios. I feel a surge of relief when nothing happens, but that anxiety—it never really leaves.

I don’t know why I’m like this. It’s like a jinx. When I worry intensely, things go smoothly; but when I’m relaxed, something inevitably goes wrong. So, is it a kind of spiritual jinx? This constant state of caution makes me feel like a coward, and sometimes it wears on those around me, too. The irony is that even though I’m afraid, I still do the things I fear. It’s a strange dilemma.

Coming back to Canada, I was terrified. I had to face it all alone. My friends are in Vancouver; I’m here in Calgary, with no one. But I returned because I wanted to test myself, to see if I could stand alone. I know myself—if I didn’t push, I’d stay right where I was, comfortable but stagnant. So, I jumped into the unknown, hoping to grow and discover more about who I am. Now, every day is a challenge, but I face it because that’s what survival is.

Sometimes, I’m even afraid of myself—of what I might do, of how unpredictable I am. But this is me, my life. I have to live with myself, and I’m curious to see what I’ll do next.

"Do you think you are brave enough?"